When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
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Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My background check bounced.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.