When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
You Might Also Like
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Just me?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.