When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
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Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.