When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
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What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Milk Cube
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”