When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
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Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.