@carlawh

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

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@LibyaLiberty

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

@QwertyJones3

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

@MelvinofYork

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

@TheAlexP

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

@cookie_mumbles

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

@SavageDabs69

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

@hatehug

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

@Mehrwane

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

@MommaUnfiltered

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

@ComicLover_94

If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.