When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
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my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.