When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
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[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it