when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
cry laughing at this shit
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other