When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
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“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.