When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
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Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.