When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*