When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

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Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.


Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.


So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.


Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.


Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss


My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.


always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away


It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.