When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
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Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
sensitive skin
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people