@iheartgunts

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

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@jwoodham

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

@Breadery

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

@

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

@BoutCrazed

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

@HushJared

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

@AyeshaASiddiqi

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

@Dawn_M_

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.