@beanpudd

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

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@noog

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

@TheHatStore

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

@Marlebean

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

@PaperWash

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

@TheRolo

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

@JustASmirk

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

@Book_Krazy

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

@iAmDelFreaky

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

@noog

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.