When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
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[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.