*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
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NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”
Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.