When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
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[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.