When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
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Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Europe. Made in Germany.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Stick it to the man
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.