“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
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when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you