When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
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That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Is this a threat?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.