When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.