When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
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*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.