@canadasandra

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

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@donni

I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.

@robdelaney

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

@noog

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

@Gowitty1

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

@causticbob

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

@OLDIRTYDIAPER

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”