When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
My safe word is Worcestershire
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?