When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
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[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”