When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
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Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
PLOT TWIST:
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.