When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Autocorrect completely socks
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.