When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
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“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”