When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
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They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
What’s a Messi?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.