When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
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Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]