when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
You Might Also Like
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
That was easy.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.