When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
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i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.