when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
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What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*