When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
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My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht