When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
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My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
“i miss shittin on people”
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.