When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
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[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
August 8
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed