When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
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If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.