When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
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If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)