When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
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Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much