When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
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Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
No regrets in 2018
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!