When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
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ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
i prefer mine room temperature.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.