When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
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[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.