When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
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[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me