When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
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Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A