“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
You Might Also Like
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.