When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
You Might Also Like
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Everyone’s family
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face