When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason