@KrazykurtKurt

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

You Might Also Like

@JBWogan

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

@toujours_fab

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

@huntigula

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

@CherBear162

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

@slimmy_shady

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

@panmidwest

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

@XplodingUnicorn

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

@Reverend_Scott

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”