When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
they finally got him. they got macavity
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”