Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.
“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”