When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
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Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.