When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
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“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn鈥檛 place where. I asked if he鈥檇 ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You鈥檙e too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Imagine being at your therapist鈥檚 office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it鈥檚 cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…馃槴馃槴馃槴
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can鈥檛 wear a blanket to work
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.