When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
You Might Also Like
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems