when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
You Might Also Like
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’