when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

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restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”


Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.


My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.


Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.


I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.


H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.


I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.


If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.


If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.