Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@OrdinaryAlso

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

@PlopWaffle

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

@bjaynash

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

@howlinglow

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

@LeonEarlgrey

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

@amydillon

H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?

M: Actually…

*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*

M: That was amazing.

@OllyiConic

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

@Marcmywords2

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

@david8hughes

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.