When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
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I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look