When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
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she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Me trying to “trust the process”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Always the camel, never the toe.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*